I thought that title might get your attention. And there is no bait and switch here, I am going to talk about sex and thin walls. Come on, most of you have been there, right? Well maybe not the sex part, but surely the thin walls. Your staying in a hotel, you’ve settled into your room enjoying a glass of wine or some other cocktail, watching a little television maybe. Only to hear a competing television through the thin walls. Your neighbors are watching Cop’s or something with a really annoying theme song like that and your watching something wholesome, you know like Law and Order or Seinfeld. Slowly, ever so slowly your ear picks up a sound that doesn’t quite line up with what your watching. Then it just gets louder and louder because you cant stop listening to it, it’s drowning out your own show. So what do you do? Turn up the sound on your television of course, which naturally requires your neighbor to turn up the volume on theirs, it’s an endless, vicious cycle.
Now what if that sound coming from your neighbors room isn’t from a television show? What if it’s, oh I don’t know your neighbor having a very robust session of sex. Then what do you do?
This week I found myself in this situation. While in Pasadena, California on a business trip, I pulled up to my usual hotel (no I won’t tell you which one, I don’t want you taking my room), everything going as it always does, uneventful. As I settle into my room, get some work done, relax with a newspaper. It’s time to order some room service, I order a nice bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and a Cheeseburger ( I know, don’t judge ). Everything is going perfect, a nice evening, balcony open a slight breeze with just the hint of jasmine wafting through the room. A little television to make my lids heavy and I’m off to bed.
It takes me a while to fall asleep, I’m a very light sleeper and always wear ear plugs, every night to help me sleep, even at home. TRAVEL TIP: always carry a pair of ear plugs when traveling, you never know when they might come in handy, you may want them on a plane, concert, or hotel. They are nearly priceless for me. As I slide my trusty ear plugs in, the television still playing in the background wooing me to sleep. The heaviness of my lids brings on the sheep for me to count, however in support of Easter I start to count Bunnies, seems appropriate. 1 bunny , 2 bunnies, 3 bunnies, 4 b……
Dozing, dozing, nearly gone now, but wait. What is that faint moaning I hear, must be the television. As I roll over to look at the television I realize it’s not the television show at all, I mean it’s that dumb commercial with the animated bee flying around that sounds suspiciously like Antonio Banderas, no moaning there, except my own, I hate that commercial. Back to my slumber. 6 bunnies, 7 bunnies, 8 bunn…….
There it is again, then it dawns on me, that’s coming from next door. The guy next door must have ordered some Porn, good for him, it’s got to be better than that damn commercial. I do my best to put it out of my mind and get back to my Bunnies, where was I, 14, 15, 16……..
I can’t sleep, he has turned up the volume, damn him. I remove my ear plugs only to find its quite loud and it’s not television porn either, it’s live porn. Like “Live from Pasadena it’s the Sex Show”, Live. Wow, I’m mildly interested now, does that make me a sound voyeur or worse, a degenerate? Don’t get me wrong I didn’t get up and put a glass to the wall to hear better, only because I didn’t think about it I guess. The truth is, it wasn’t necessary, you couldn’t miss what was happening in that room, two floors down and two floors up most likely heard it and I’m right next door. I want to give kudo’s to this guy and gal, they obviously were in sync and completely enjoying themselves, and I must also admit to being a little jealous in this man’s stamina. Damn dude, take a breath already. Besides your making me feel inadequate.
I also have to admit to feeling flush, warm and blushing as I learned some words I’ve never heard before. Now, I’m 47 years old I know a lot of bad words, even in different languages, but his lady friend was well versed in the verbiage of sex. First the moaning, then the screaming then the big culmination ending in heavy panting. Oh thank goodness it’s over I thought; now I can get some sleep. I could not have been more wrong. Round two is beginning and its even more animalistic and robust, banging walls, more screaming, name calling etc. Nearly an hour of this has gone on, hell I have completely lost track of which bunny I had just counted. Someone please throw some cold water on these beasts. Then it happened.
It was like being hit with a ton of bricks, she yelled out his name. I was shocked. This is what took me aback. I would have never guessed or imagined in all my life that this person was family Apparently in the very next room to mine, having all this fun, was my Daddy. That’s right his name is Daddy. I wondered how could that be, my Daddy is in Phoenix and in no way able to travel to California for a little sex romp. This disturbed me greatly.
Eventually I figured out that it’s not “My Daddy” who was in that room, it was someone else’s Daddy and thankfully they didn’t have to listen to this for more than an hour. I am sure that it would have stunted their growth and put visions in their head that would haunt them the rest of their days. Now don’t get me wrong I am no prude and I give them credit for shedding their inhibitions and tossing them aside. I only wish they had not tossed them against my thin walls.
What would you do?
P.s. don’t forget your ear plugs.